Once upon a time, a thousand eons ago, there was a rumble across the land. My inbox shuddered as I was inundated by the cries of countless loyal beasties. “Have you seen this Kickstarter? Is this your cookbook? Who the hell are these guys?”
I clicked on the links and was taken to a Kickstarter campaign by a group of rabble-rousers claiming to have established a direct link to the Old Ones and who were peddling the ridiculous story that they could commune with these giant beasts of yore. Not only that, they had convinced these demigods to share with the mortals of this planet the secrets of their culinary creations.
While the tome they purported to have authored was similarly named as our own beloved Necro Nomnomnomicon, it was clear that we were two different monsters operating in two different realms. However, it was also clear there was going to be some overlap.
Fresh out of plagues and with all my favorite ghouls, goblins and ghastly enforcers off on vacation, I knew I’d have to deal with these individuals on my own. Emails were exchanged, and over the course of several phone calls, we all discovered not only a mutual respect for one another but a strange…camaraderie? Friendship? Affinity? Indigestion?
Regardless of what you choose to call it, I decided not to smite them, and they swore the same. Rather we decided our dark powers would be much better if pooled between us all and then unleashed onto the world.
Thus I was honored to be a part of their project and contributed not one but TWO disgustingly delicious recipes to their tome.
Unholy alliance secured with a firm handshake and a spattering of sacrificial blood, I set about creating my diabolical delicacies.
Once completed, I sent them off, secure in the knowledge that my part in this project was finished.
The tome was published…and then published again!
Not only was the world hungry for the culinary creations of Cthulu and his forbidden friends, but this grim Grimoire proved to be so successful that it’s now available for purchase not only online, but with major retailers like…gasp…Target!
To say I was surprised was an understatement…not that I had any doubt that the original tome would be successful, but that there were so many dark minded individuals who shared my own affinity for the eerily edible and who so clearly loved what the book was sharing.
That surprise then turned to horrifically tingly anticipation when I heard that the fires had again been lit, the incantations again whispered and the unholy summoned once more.
That’s right…there’s a volume 2 in the works.
I present to you “Unspeakable Carols,” a tome of Lovecraftian Holiday Hymns which could quite easily serve as a creepy companion to the original Necro Nomnomnom.
In their own words:
Following on the heels (spine?) of the beautiful and terrifying Necronomnomnom – A Cookbook of Eldritch Horror comes the second in the Gruesome Grimoires series: Unspeakable Carols. As with The Necronomnomnom, this book will be a 9″x 12″ Hardcover book.
Within the pages, your beloved holiday songs and carols are transmogrified by dark sorcery (not really) into haunting canticles steeped in the shared Mythos of the likes of H.P. Lovecraft, Robert W. Chambers, Clark Ashton Smith, and others. Will they rouse a certain slumbering Great Old Ones if sung correctly? We’ll all soon know.
But wait, there’s more! Wait…maybe there’s smores? Yes! Much more. In addition to a ph’nglui pile of poetic psalms – you get corrupted holiday cocktail recipes, perhaps some other Lovecraftian-themed songs, and maybe a short story or two (holiday themed and in the Lovecraftian-vein of course)!
This Horrendous Hymnal will be a feast for the eyes, ears, tongue, appendages and those feelers you keep trying to keep hidden!
It’s on Kickstarter right now and has just 13 days left to reach its goal. Should you decide to help enable this monstrosity reach the light of day, please share with me a copy of your pact, er, I mean pledge. Upon successful completion of the campaign and the funding of this putrid publication, I will gather together the names of all the faithful who helped bring it to light and one unlucky soul shall be randomly selected to receive an autographed copy of the second coming of the first opus…and not signed by myself, but by someone truly worthy of such an honor…
Lucifur, the Lord of Barkness.
In addition, it shall arrive at your domicile lovingly swaddled in a shroud made from one of the official Necro Nomnomnomicon aprons.
So go forth and spread the word, the holidays are upon us and these Unspeakable Carols long to be released!
