Halloween Recipe: Fire Roasted Hearts of My Betrayers ⋆ Welcome to the Necro Nomnomnomicon

Hell can be lonely. Yes, even with all the torture and endless eons of mischief and bedevilment…which means to get away from it all, I like to pop up topside every once in a while and mingle with you mortals. Ahh, but times have changed since I first set hoof on terra firma and one of those changes has been the invention of online dating.

Gone are the days of long romantic courtships rife with chocolates and flowers. Now it’s all just swipe left, swipe right, swipe left, swipe right…

From the standpoint of efficiency, I admit, I enjoy it…but I’ve discovered a disturbing trend among you single souls…ghosting.

I find someone interesting. I swipe right. We match! We go out on a few dates, we have some fun and then…poof! They’re gone.

Of course, it doesn’t take much for me to track these wannabe poltergeists down (I am a demon, after all) and after a little hemming and hawing and a whole lot of begging and pleading, I usually give them what they want…PERMANENT GHOST STATUS.

But what to do with my bruised ego once these betrayers are stabbed and slabbed? Yes, believe it or not, even a demon needs love…and the best way to soothe my own broken heart is to flame roast theirs – and trust me when I say, they’re delicious!

Of course, you mere mortals can’t quite get away with skewering and eviscerating your erstwhile lovers quite like I can, so in deference to your archaic ways, I’m offering you what I feel is a more than perfect substitution – chicken hearts.

So the next time you get your heart broken, or find out the one of your dreams has become more of a nightmare…may I present to you a recipe to soothe your soul and fill your belly.

For this recipe you will need:

2 dozen chicken hearts, thawed

For the chimichurri sauce you will need:

1 Cup fresh parsley, diced
1 Cup fresh cilantro, diced
½ Cup olive oil
½ red onion, diced
3 cloves of garlic, diced
¼ Cup fresh lemon juice
2 Tablespoons red wine vinegar
½ Teaspoon salt
¼ Teaspoon black pepper

For the marinade you will need:

2/3 Cup olive oil
½ Cup fresh orange juice
1/3 Cup fresh lime juice
¼ Cup soy sauce
¼ Cup Worcestershire sauce
¼ Cup red wine vinegar
2 Tablespoons garlic, minced
Salt and pepper to taste

Start by whisking all the ingredients together. Trim your hearts of all fat and place them into a jar or container.

Pour the marinade over them and allow to soak in the refrigerator for a minimum of 12 hours. For best flavor, allow your hearts to soak for a full 24 hours.

While these are marinating, we can make the chimichurri sauce.

In a food processor or blender, chop up the chimichurri ingredients until chopped and smooth. Place into a container and allow to rest in your refrigerator until ready to grill up your hearts. The time in the cool environment will really allow the flavors to blend and meld.

When you’re ready to grill your hearts, place them on water soaked skewers. I like to do 4 to a skewer to allow for easy even cooking.

Roast over an open flame until they are lightly seared and firm to the touch. Because they’re small, it won’t take long so keep an eye on them so they don’t overcook and end up chewy.

If you’re feeling particularly passionate, fling a little extra marinade on your hearts using a basting brush. The oil will flare up and you can pretend you’re adding a little extra fire to the backside of whatever lover you’re roasting by proxy.

Remove from the flame, allow to cool, and drizzle your skewers with your chimichurri sauce.

Serve with additional sauce on the side for easy dipping and enjoy their sweet, citrus flavor while you mull the absolute infuriating futility that is modern online dating.