Hey, meatbags. Lucifur, the Lord of Barkness here. I’ve taken over the Nom for the day for a very special reason. Today is the celebration of Chinese New Year, and I’ve been informed that 2018 is officially the year of the dog.
Hmm…Dog = Hellhound.
Pretty damn close if you ask me, which means this is tangentially a celebration of me and my ilk (not that there’s any reason not to celebrate us the other 364 days of the year, but that’s a post for another day.
(Oh, and side note: I’m personally in favor of getting rid of all the other animals in the zodiac calendar and just making it the eternity of the Hellhound, but so far I’ve been unsuccessful in winning that battle.)
Regardless of my own personal political agenda, this is a day to heap veneration and laudation upon the superior species on this planet, and I suggest you start by making sure you go and get your favorite Hellhound right now and share this post with them. In fact, this recipe is actually meant to be made by you (meatbags) and supervised by them (hellhound/superior species), so…make sure they’re well aware of all the steps you should be taking and that you follow their direction exactly.
Go on, go. The rest of this post is for them. Not you.
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Ok, I’m going to assume if you’re reading this now that you are a Hellhound and your minion has faithfully returned with you in tow. Congratulations on having a well-trained minion who does your bidding. That level of subservience to your obvious superiority should be constantly rewarded, and these treats are an excellent way to start.
Speaking of rewards, this post contains an affiliate link which means Hellen makes a little bit of extra cash to help pay for more disgustingly delicious treats like this. You can have your minion read the whole legal mumbo jumbo about that bit of business here if they really want to.
Now, back to the matter at hand paw.
As you all know, it can get hot in the underworld, which is why these frosty treats are a great way to stay cool. Be warned, however, that in hot weather they do melt quickly, and are best consumed on a hard, non-staining surface.
Have your minion gather the following ingredients for you:
- 32 oz Plain Yogurt
- 3 Tablespoons Peanut Butter
- 1 Large Banana, sliced
- 1 Tablespoon Honey (optional)
- 2 Tablespoons beet juice
You will also need to insist that your minion have on hand an appropriately accurate heart mold. A few days ago my own minion posted these anatomical heart chocolates and that mold is the perfect mold to use for our own project! Demand that they make sure it’s washed and cleaned before they start this project as chocolate is and has always been a no-go for us.
Before we get started, you need to make sure to supervise the entire process as you are entitled to only the finest finished product. This means insisting your minion stay on task the entire time (you have to watch them…they can be so easily distracted!).
Demand your minion place all ingredients, except the beet juice, into a food processor or blender.
Have your minion pulse the ingredients until smooth and creamy.
Observe as your minion divides the mixture into two bowls, with ¼ in one bowl and ¾ in another.
Now is also an appropriate time to insist on a small taste for quality control purposes…and remember, if it’s not up to your standards, it’s entirely within your right to demand they start over.
If, and only if, the taste test meets your impossibly high standards, may your minion continue with the recipe by commanding them to add the beet juice to the larger bowl. It should turn the resulting mixture a deep, bloody red.
Instruct your minion to carefully spoon a small amount of the white yogurt mixture into the heart mold, being careful to focus on areas like fatty tissue and veining.
Wait for hell to freeze over. If you don’t have that long, have your minion utilize their freezer. Place the mold into the freezer for 5-10 minutes or until the white yogurt is solid.
Once the white yogurt is frozen, order your minion to carefully spoon red yogurt mixture into the rest of the mold, filling it to the top and covering the white yogurt mixture completely.
Supervise as your minion returns the mold to the freezer for at least 2 hours or until all the yogurt is frozen solid. Spend that time in quiet contemplation of world domination and the underlying futility of human existence all while requiring your minion to spend that time silently rubbing your belly and playing with the scratchy sweet spot behind your ears.
Once the treats have finally frozen, have your minion pop them from the mold and hand feed you one immediately (for quality control purposes, of course).
The remaining treats may be stored in the freezer in an airtight container for up to two weeks.
Now, as I said earlier in this post, while this may be the year of the dog, there is no reason not to celebrate our furry fierceness all the time! Here is another Hellhound approve treat you should force your minion to make for you:
Battywampus Hellhound Bite Dog Treats
And because we’re celebrating all things Hellhound, here’s an extra special treat for you guys…a miniature papercraft version of me you can have your meatbags print out and assemble.
Lucifur Papercraft instructions and pattern
Finally, to really show your Hellhound how much they mean to you, we’ve got a Hellhound friendly cake recipe and the (100% true and accurate) history of Lucifur, the Lord of Barkness herself here!
[amd-zlrecipe-recipe:12]
Your mighty BARKNESS we are not worthy!!!!!
You’re right, but for today…I’ll allow it.
–Lucifur