Everyone loves to start out the new year with a whole slew of resolutions aimed at making you an even better version of you than you are right now. You want to lose weight, eat healthier, read smarter books, watch less trashy TV…the list is endless.
Here’s a little secret…those of us who live in Hell LOVE all your resolutions…and you want to know why?
Resolutions are almost always made with the best of intentions in mind…
And we all know what the road to Hell is paved in, right???
Ahh, I love this time of year!
At their core, resolutions are a way for you mere mortals to do your best at controlling the future. You want to get healthy so you can live longer, or meet a better mate, or just fit into those tight jeans you bought three years ago because they were on sale but never wore because the only size they had available was three lower than the size you really wear… (Yes, I know ALL about those jeans…and no, you’re never going to fit into them. Just give up now.)
It’s this same desire to control the future that drives you humans to believe in things like psychics, horoscopes, Magic 8-Balls, and my personal favorite…the fortune cookie.
Small, bland, overly dry and usually stuffed with trite phrases like “You will come into a large sum of money,” or “Your hard work will soon pay off,” fortune cookies are the click-bait of the desert world.
That’s why I like to hand out “Misfortune” cookies instead.
Loaded with both flavor (almond and sesame) as well as fortunes designed to throw your reality off a step or two, these little black cookies are a fun way to remind us all the end is coming…and nobody’s getting out alive.
To make your own Misfortune Cookies you will need:
- 2 egg whites
- 1 Teaspoon almond extract
- 1 1/2 Teaspoons cornstarch
- 1/2 Cup flour
- 1 Tablespoon ground black sesame powder
- 1/4 Teaspoon salt
- 1/2 Cup sugar
- 3 Tablespoons vegetable oil (can also substitute Sesame oil for an even nuttier flavored cookie)
- 4-5 Tablespoons water, divided
- Black food coloring
- Cooking spray
- 20-3o “Misfortunes”
Start by first making your Misfortunes. I used my computer and put together a spreadsheet document so I could print them out because I’m a lazy bastard, but you can also hand write yours if you want.
Speaking of lazy, if you want…you can print out my misfortune-cookie-fortunes here. Just cut along the dotted lines and you’re good to go.
Think up appropriately cheerful and uplifting fortunes, like “Everyone makes mistakes, just ask your parents,” or “You will die alone and broke.” My personal favorite is “There’s no “I” in “Team” but there is in “Homicide.”
Come up with around 20-30 and write them down/type them up. Cut them into small strips and set your pile of pessimistic platitudes aside for now. You want them to roughly be around 2 inches long and 3/4 of an inch high each.
Preheat your oven to 400F/200C.
In a mixing bowl, combine your egg whites, almond extract, black food coloring, and vegetable oil. Beat together until frothy. Add in enough black food coloring to achieve a deep dark color.
In a separate bowl, combine your dry ingredients: flour, sugar, cornstarch, ground sesame and salt.
Start by first adding in 4 of your tablespoons of water and mix together until you achieve a thick, sticky dough. Save the last tablespoon of water.
Combine both mixtures together into one bowl. You should end up with a thin, runny, soupy like texture similar to pancake batter. If your batter is too thick, add in your additional tablespoon of water now.
On your stove set to the LOWEST temperature, heat up a large frying pan and spray with a light coat of cooking spray. Keeping your pan at a low temperature is absolutely critical for this process. You want your cookies to just cook to the point where they are firm enough not to fall apart when you fold them but flexible enough to bend without crumbling.
Using a spoon, place about a tablespoon measure of your batter into your pan. Use the back of the spoon to spread it out until it is thin and about three inches in diameter.
As it cooks, you will notice it bubbling. When the batter goes from shiny to dull, the bubbles stop popping and the edges slightly curl, it should be time to flip your cookie batter to the other side (usually takes about 2-3 minutes).
Flip your cookie and cook for an additional 30-45 seconds.
Immediately remove and place onto a flat surface.
Carefully place your misfortune in the center of your cookie and fold the cookie in half. (Watch your fingers, these will be hot!)
Working fast (the cookie will firm up as it cools) grab the two corners and pull towards each other, folding your cookie in half again down the center of the bottom. You can also drape your cookie over a coffee mug to help achieve this shape.
Pop your folded cookies into a lightly greased muffin tin.
At this point, your cookies are partially cooked but not completely done. If you were to let them cool, they would remain slightly chewy. We want crisp cookies…so onto the next step!
Once you have enough cookies to completely fill your muffin tin, place them into the oven and allow to continue to cook for an additional 3 to 5 minutes.
When you pull them out, they might still be a bit “flexible.” Don’t worry. Once they cool down they will firm up and you will get that traditional “crispy” fortune cookie texture.
Feel free to present your cookies as is to your intended victims. If you want to “spiff” them up a bit and make this a true experience, seal them into little pouches of waxed paper and close with a sticker.
I made my pouches by cutting my wax paper to the size I wanted and then sealed the edge using a quick zap of heat from an old (and clean) crimping iron set on low. The heat melts the wax and you can pinch the seam together.
However you decide to share them…have fun watching your victims crack them open and read their dark and dreary “Misfortunes.”
And remember, misery loves company so share with as many people as you can!
Bone appetite and Happy New Year!
Like what you see? Want to see more? Help me keep making my disgusting creations by visiting my Patreon page.
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