We’re in the full swing of summer down here (yes, even Hell has seasons) and nothing says blistering hot days and long sticky nights quite like a cherry pie…and nothing says “gruesomely delicious” quite like slapping a human face on it.
Of course, because there are laws against things like using real human faces, I’ll share with you all a much less homicidal but still disgustingly tasty version.
For this recipe you will need:
- 4 Cups fresh pitted cherries (around 1-1/2 lbs). I prefer the taste and almost black color of Bing cherries, but feel free to substitute your own favorite.
- 1 Tablespoon lemon juice
- 1/2 Cup sugar
- 1 Cup water
- 3 Tablespoons cornstarch
- 1 Tablespoon butter
- 1/2 Teaspoon almond extract
- 1/2 Teaspoon cinnamon
- 1/4 Teaspoon ginger
Sprinkle your pitted cherries with the sugar, cornstarch and lemon juice and toss to coat. Cover your cherries and let them macerate in this mixture for about 30 minutes.
Once your cherries have had a chance to soak up the sugar/cornstarch/lemon mixture, transfer them to a stove safe medium sized pot.
Add your water, cinnamon and ginger and bring the mixture to a boil. Allow the cherry mixture to boil for about 10 minutes, stirring frequently to prevent scorching on the bottom of the pan. As it boils, it will thicken. If you find your mixture becoming too thick, feel free to add in additional water one tablespoon at a time.
Remove from heat and add in your butter and almond extract. Mix to fully incorporate and allow your cherry pie filling to cool. At this time your filling should be thick, dark, and delicious. Try not to eat it all right now. It gets better…I promise.
While your mixture is cooling, it’s time to work on the crust.
For the crust you will need:
- 2 1/2 Cups flour
- 1 Cup COLD unsalted butter, cut into little chunks
- 1/2 Teaspoon salt
- 1 Tablespoon sugar
- 1 Tablespoon cinnamon
- 1 Teaspoon almond extract
- 1/4-1/3 Cup Vodka (or water, dealer’s choice)
- Red food coloring
In a food processor, add together all your ingredients EXCEPT your red food coloring. Pulse the mixture until it comes together. It will have a dry crumbly texture at this point.
Slowly add in your liquid (water or vodka), drizzling in a bit at a time until the dough comes together. You will know it’s ready if you can squeeze it into a lump but you can also easily crumble it if you rub it between your fingers.
Divide your dough roughly into half.
Take one half of your dough and wrap it in plastic wrap and allow it to rest in the fridge for at least an hour.
Take the second half of your dough and return it to your food processor. Gently add in a few drops of red food coloring and pulse to mix. Add as much red dye as you want until the dough achieves a flesh tone you are happy with. This will be your face dough.
Once you have a color you are satisfied with, wrap up and chill this dough along with the first uncolored ball.
After the dough has rested for an hour and your cherry pie filling has cooled, it’s time to assemble your pie.
Preheat your oven to 400F/204C.
Roll out your first, uncolored ball of dough and use it to line the interior of a 9″ pie pan. Press the dough down into the pan evenly and then return it to the fridge to cool for at least 15 minutes.
Carefully spoon in your cooled cherry pie filling and put the whole thing in the fridge to chill while you work on the top crust.
Time to sculpt your face! Using your fingers, gently sculpt your details. Roll a small ball of dough for a nose and using a light wash of water, attach it to your face. Fingers (or other small tools) dipped in water can help blend edges.
When you are happy with your face, gently lay it over the top of your pie. Tearing off the edges of your face piece not only helps remove the excess dough and prevent overhang, but the torn edges give it a nice “gory” look.
Using red food coloring or food grade gel, highlight your torn edges before baking.
Bake your pie 30-40 minutes or until the crust browns and the cherry filling inside begins to bubble. If you notice your pie edges or the tip of your nose starting to burn, pull your pie out and gently wrap just those areas with tin foil. Return your pie to the oven and finish baking as directed.
When your pie is done cooking, remove from the oven and allow to cool. As the pie cools, the cherry filling will continue to thicken.
To give your pie an extra “goey” look, gently brush the entire surface (including exposed cherry pie filling) with a light glaze of corn syrup. Go over your raw edges again with red food coloring/red food grade gel. As your pie cools, the fresh corn syrup and food coloring will ‘creep’ along the surface of the pie, resulting in an organic, bloody, disgustingly delicious highlight to your torn edges.
Serve your pie with vanilla ice scream…er, I mean ice cream and enjoy!
Actor Emilio Rivera enjoying a slice of “Cherry Die Pie” on the set of Z Nation.
Like what you see? Want to see more? Help me keep making my disgusting creations by visiting my Patreon page.
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